Marriage. A golden word for some, a forbidden word for others. As society would have it, women are the only ones who obsess over marriage. The only ones who stay up at night wondering about their future. The only ones who want the 2.5 kids and white picket fence. Leave it to the twitterverse, and men are just not that interested in marriage.
But men are the ones who propose. The ones who essentially determine the fate of many of our futures in so many words — those of us who want to be married that is — Men can’t ALL have an aversion to marriage because, well…they’re getting married. So what is it? Why do people think that men in our generation aren’t concerned with marriage? And how do they really feel about it? I asked a few and here’s what they had to say:
Mr. Married:Dated his wife for 5 years, married for 2 years
Mr. Soon-to-be married: Dated his fiancée for 5 years, will be married this weekend
Mr. Committed: Involved exclusively for about 2 years
Mr. No-time-soon: Single
People place lots of emphasis on finding a woman who cooks, cleans, is a lady in the streets (you know the rest). But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone. How did you/will you know when YOU found “the one”?
Mr. Committed: There were many instances where I thought to myself “I think I found the one.” Cooking, cleaning, fucking hard lol … All that good shit, but there is one moment in particular that I always think of: We were laying down after a night out like any other weekend. She fell asleep first and I sat up watching TV as usual. As I’m falling asleep I hear the loudest pop followed by a never-ending hissing sound. I took a second and thought to myself… “Did this girl just fart under my covers?!” It sounded like a tire with a slow leak. Smelled like sewage juice. I didn’t get mad, I didn’t even care…I just laughed! I told her the next morning and we laughed through her embarrassment together. That’s when I knew.
Mr. No-time-soon: Although cooking, cleaning and being a freak in the sheets are good qualities, they’re standard and expected for any woman who hopes to one day become “the one”. Let Me explain. It’s like, when a woman goes on the first date with a man, she expects for that man to pay, correct? I think I will know when I find “the one” when I meet a lady that sticks with me through thick and thin ,and understands that I’m a man in progress if you know what I mean…a rider and back bone.
Mr. Married: I knew I found the one when she saw things in me that I didn’t see in myself. This made me want to be a better man. My wife’s values and morals played a major part in me choosing to spend the rest of my life with her. She is wise beyond her years when in comes to a relationship, honesty, loyalty, commitment, and love. The cooking and being my personal freak takes the backseat to those key traits.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: I think you just know when it presents itself to you. I didn’t think there would be a woman who would “cook and clean”, just because that’s not what I’m used to from women my age. Speaking for myself I really didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew she had to keep my attention mentally, physically and be a cool motherfucker (if I can say that). Life’s serious enough and isn’t fair, so it’s a blessing knowing you can find some peace at the end of all the madness. You do some crazy things when you find that person that hits all the right buttons.
On the days leading up to my wedding, lots of people asked me if I was nervous. Were/Are you nervous? What makes you nervous?
Mr. Committed: I don’t know if this applies to me Lol. But…I’m not nervous about getting married…and I honestly don’t know why. I probably should be lol
Mr. No time soon: Not married…
Mr. Married: No, I wasn’t nervous at all. What makes me nervous is the thought of my wife leaving me. I know the type of man I would be if my marriage came to an end.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: I’m not really nervous at all. If I were nervous about anything it would just be having a spotlight on me on the day of the wedding. I’m confident in what I’m doing…I just can’t believe it. It’s surreal going through my daily routine knowing everything will be different in less than a week. I’m excited about the unknown.
What makes you believe in marriage, or not believe in marriage?
Mr. Committed: I haven’t always believed in marriage or even relationships for that matter. I now believe in marriage because I’ve seen it work. I’ve seen two people share a type of love that only they will ever know. It only exist between those two people. They created something only they could. That’s great to me. That’s something worth believing in.
Mr. No time soon: I believe in marriage because I think its sacred and God’s gift to Man… I think that most marriages are built on WORLDLY traits and as a result, they fail because the world is dark. So without getting too T.D. Jakes on you, build your marriage on the light and the light is none other than God.
Mr. Married: I’ve always believed in marriage, but growing up, I was afraid of it because I’d never seen what a “successful” marriage looked like.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: I was the one that said I would never get married. I was surrounded by failed marriages and men who preached against it. Now, at 28, and days away from getting married it’s a different mentality. It was a personal decision to make that commitment to her, not something that I think is cool. I’m blessed to have a phenomenal woman, who happens to be my best friend. I couldn’t see myself with anyone else.
It’s a popular idea that a man’s friends keep him from being committed or stop him from proposing etc. How did your friends impact your decision to commit to one woman? Did you/do you get any flack from them?
Mr. Committed: My friends have seen so many girls that I have dealt with, that when I made a decision to be with this one they doubted me at first. That kind of made me want to prove them wrong. When they saw how serious I was, I didn’t take any flack at all. They even accepted her to football Sundays occasionally.
Mr. No time soon: It’s only natural for a man to not want to be tied down. It may take a little while for his friends to adjust because they may feel like your taking their friend. I know if they’re your real friend, they will support you and love the woman like a sister.
Mr. Married: My friends never discouraged me to marry my wife. Yes, they have jokes about being with one woman and how they aren’t ready for that type of commitment, or that they can’t be with one woman. Those things didn’t bother me though because I knew what I had. I only get flack from my friends about not coming around that much since I got married. But my job plays a big role in that. I see them when I can and when we get together it’s like old times.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: I have friends that are happily married with kids, and others who are really living that bachelor life. I got slack from any and every man who found out I was engaged, but most of them surprisingly still had positive things to say. Having a mix of friends like that kind of helped, but I wasn’t about to ask my friends for permission to get married.
What are the challenges about your current relationship status?
Mr. Committed: Personally: The pressure to take the next step. We/ I’m reminded so much of what is expected and seen for us (me and my significant other), sometimes it’s hard to distinguish genuine feelings of wanting to do something from doing something because “it’s time” or it’s what’s expected of you.
Mr. No time soon: Not in one
Mr. Married: A major challenge about being married for me is time management. There are only 24 hours in a day. In those 24 hours I manage to squeeze in 2 full-time jobs, playing the drums on Sundays for my church, quality time with my family, quality time with my wife, and chill time with friends.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: Honestly, being a young, black, engaged man working in a super young and social corporate environment. I have to deflect slick comments, and the curious girl on the 26th floor daily. I pay it no mind, but you never know the reaction you’ll get when someone learns you’re engaged. Some think you’re a soon-to-be daddy, on death row, or your balls are in glass case somewhere.
Many people feel like you should wait until a certain age before marriage. Why do you think that is?
Mr. Committed: Maturity is more important than age. Age means nothing to me. There are some 35 y/o kids that got married. Probably didn’t work out. As long as two mature adults make that choice, age shouldn’t matter.
Mr. No time soon: I think you need to experience life before committing for life to one person…if you don’t you may wish you would have done things or worse — actually do the things you “missed out” on.
Mr. Married: I think that age has nothing to do with it, but your mind-set and maturity. Marriage is more than just getting some jewelry on your ring finger to show off to people. More often than not, people now-a-days see marriage as a fad, not for what it really is.
Mr. Soon-to-be married: There’s no perfect age, it’s more of a culture and maturity thing. Society is quick to label and apply rules to everything, but every culture looks at marriage differently. I think marriage is a sensitive subject and people don’t want see a young couple make a potential “mistake” by getting hitched too young.
Anything else to add?
Mr. Committed: Nope. I do like your posts. They’re very interesting. Shows me things from a perspective I would have never noticed. Say nice things about me! Lol