#TBT: Longing for my Throwback Body

Every day, I’m forced to walk past an entire wall of mirrors in order to begin my morning routine. More often than not, I stop and take inventory of what my body has become. Some days I stand and admire the hourglass curve that’s taking its sweet time to re-appear in my torso. Other days I stand there poking and prodding, wondering how much a quick lipo/tummy tuck would set me back.

Yes. I’m a tiger that earned my stripes and my c-section scar is a badge of honor and all that other psuedo-inspirational, instagram meme stuff. But to be real, I’m 25 and if I can be selfish for just a moment, I just want my body back to way it was before.

The thing about being a young mom — given the state of your post-baby body, you may or may not be able to participate in trends made for the twenty-somethings like your peers do. It sounds shallow, but some days you just want to be carefree about what you wear and not have to worry about your “mommy tummy”. I’ll never again know the joys of rocking a breezy crop top with a pair of low riding jeans, and you won’t catch me in a bikini unless the bottoms cover my belly button.

Crop top + high waist. Still MILF-Y.

Crop top + high waist. Still MILF-Y.

Most days it’s “kissmyasssowhat” (Michael Blackson voice).  I had a baby. I have stretch marks. I have a c-section scar that separates one part of my abdomen from the other, which is sometimes visible under clothes. It is what it is. But just when I start to feel somewhat comfortable, there’s a photograph coming across some social network timeline of a mom with a perfectly flat, stretch mark-less stomach. Why can’t EYE look like that?

Don’t mistake this for me saying that I don’t think I’m MILF-Y. Cuz I’m most definitely MILF-Y. I just have to do things a little differently now, like pay attention to the materials I choose, and be mindful of how things will fall on my tummy. If I want to wear a crop top, I have to make sure that whatever I’m wearing on the bottom covers up my tiger stripes. I have to make sure my dress isn’t SO tight in the front that it may show a roll. When an outfit doesn’t flatter you quite the way you imagined it would, it eats away at the tiniest iota of your confidence. We all have those moments. Right?

In a little over a month, my girls and I will be reinstating our annual Miami trip — only interrupted for two out of four of us to give birth. This is the first time post pregnancy that I’m going somewhere where most of the people surrounding me will be quite scantily clad. Of course I don’t want to be the one looking like a covered up granny,  but I’m pretty sure I would feel most comfortable in a one piece WITH a sarong to cover up ALL of my stretch marks–they get on your legs too. But that’s not what I’m going to do. Because I’m just too fabulous for that. Too fabulous, and too MILF-Y.

Miami. Pre-baby.

Miami. Pre-baby.

For the past few weeks I’ve been scouring the net trying to find, mommy-friendly outfits that also won’t have me looking like a “mom” if you know what I mean. I came across a leopard print bathing suit from ASOS. It managed to combine a youthful look with a cut that would cover my major worry spots, so I went out on a limb and ordered it. When it finally came, I carefully peeled back the packaging and examined the size 6 bathing suit.

“This thing looks TOO damn small…

I thought to myself as I began to prepare myself for the worst. I put one leg in, and then the other, and finally pulled it all the way up and tied the strings around my neck. It fit! I have to admit I was surprised. I stepped in front of the mirror and was indeed feeling myself.

I still do wish I could wear some of these really cute cut-out bathing suits and bikinis or wear a little crop top without something high-waisted, but for all of those moments when I’m down on myself, there’s twice as many more that I’m feeling myself — and with good reason *hairflip*.

I think I’ll be alright for the summer.




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5 thoughts on “#TBT: Longing for my Throwback Body

  1. I’m quite a bit older than you and have never had a baby. But I know what it’s like to look back at the figure I had “before.” For me it’s before I got sick and before a bad car accident. I went from running 30-40 miles a week, cycling twice a week, and weightlifting 12 hours a week to laying in a bed 24 hours a day. It’s been 6 years since I got sick and 3 since my car accident. It sucks!! It’s like invasion of the body-snatchers! I see myself in a mirror and am shocked. Every time. I miss my old body and all the benefits of living in that one! The one I have now is so…. not me. I definitely relate to this post. And people can tell you how great you look, but it’s not where you want to be. The nice thing for you is that you’re young and your body will respond quickly to your diet/exercise changes. I never had a c-section but I have 3 surgical scars on my tummy. Nobody notices them like we do. Do what you gotta do to make yourself happy with your appearance and regardless of how close you are to your goal, have a great time in Miami!! It’s such a blessing to have friendships with ladies that make time for you and for trips!

  2. Antonia says:

    The c-section scar is theeee worst. I wish I could go back to my devilvery date and demand to push my baby out. I hate my stretch marks too… My post baby body left me w/more junk in the trunk so I guess i’ll take the bad w/the good… And def in the “MILF-Y” club so i’ll be thankful for that lol

  3. Shaquana Glymph says:

    I know your struggle. I have twins and also had a c section. Just find what works for you and put your own personal touch on it. I had issues finding a swimsuit and oddly enough I found 3 that fit great at Target.com under the juniors section with cutouts but the rest over my mommy scars. Hope you have fun on your trip.

    • Necewrldpeace says:

      Thank you! I actually found one from Target. I found a couple on ASOS and Topshop too surprisingly!

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